All social animals communicate with each other. Bees buzz, dogs bark, wolves howl, and men trash-talk. Whether facing off in a boardroom or going head-to-head on the basketball court, men delight in
intimidating one another through the use of disparaging, taunting or boastful comments. If you haven’t already mastered the essential trash-talk skill, it’s high time you added it to your repertoire. After all, you should never enter a war of words unarmed.
This article is for entertainment purposes only. I cannot be held responsible if this well-meaning advice leads you to being beaten like a rented mule.Invoke his momma
Nothing gets another guy’s goat quite like insulting his own flesh and blood, and nothing is quite as insulting as targeting his mother as a source of derision. You’ll be sure to ruffle your opponent’s feathers by dispensing the following classic “yo momma” jokes:
“Yo momma’s so fat that when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party.”
Yo momma's so ugly her parents had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.”
“Yo momma’s so old she’s in Jesus’ yearbook.”
“Yo momma’s so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.”
“Yo momma's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.”
Whether your comments bear any real resemblance to your opponent’s mother is far less important than your ability to keep them coming at a breakneck pace.
Tell them what you’re going to do before doing it
Athletes -- boxers in particular -- are experts at verbally prepping their opponents for the beat downs they’re about to receive. Just look at Hall of Fame
trash-talker Muhammad Ali. The veteran pugilist once noted of an opponent, “I'll beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.” Or how about
Mike Tyson, who once said of
Lennox Lewis, "I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children." These men, and others of their ilk, know the value of showing up your adversary before the game even begins.
Make it personal
Although generic insults are generally effective, you’ll be sure to inflict far more damage by specifically tailoring your trash talk to your opponent and his lifestyle. Are they cheap? Tell them they make Ebenezer Scrooge look like
Bill Gates. Are they dim-witted? Tell them to sell their IQ when it gets to 60 points. Do they work in a dead-end job? Taunt them endlessly about their minimum wage salary and clip-on tie. Making trash talk isn’t for the faint of heart, so check your political correctness at the door and go for the jugular.
Be creative
Any moron can swear and hurl invectives. If you really want your trash talk to be memorable, it’s important to be clever and creative. Rather than telling your opponent he’s a horrible player, tell him his game has “more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese,” or casually inform him that he’s like a bundle of firewood because “he’s always getting burned.”
Celtics legend Larry Bird was a master of this technique. During the three-point shooting contest at All-Star Weekend in 1986, Bird famously eyeballed his competition for several minutes before saying, "I'm just looking around to see who's gonna finish up second." Bird knew then, as countless other ballers know now, that if you elevate your trash talk to an art form you’ll be sure to stand out from the crowd.
You’ll be a trash-talk pro after reading these tips
Don’t back down
Much like dogs, veteran trash-talkers can smell fear and they’ll become even more relentless if they sense a hint of surrender in the air. Therefore, keep your trash talk coming and show them you’re willing to match them insult for insult. Winston Churchill famously did just that during his time as Britain’s prime minister when a disapproving female accused him of being drunk. Without batting an eyelash, Churchill looked at the woman and responded, “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” Zing!
Get in their heads
There’s no better way of throwing your opponent off his game than to play with his mind. Bulls legend Scottie Pippen did this masterfully in 1997 during Game 1 of the NBA finals against the Utah Jazz. With 14 seconds remaining and Karl “The Mailman” Malone on the free-throw line, Pippen causally went up to the bulky power forward and told him “The Mailman don’t deliver on Sundays.” The clever comment completely threw Malone off his game causing him to miss both shots and allowing the Bulls to hold on for the win.
Build yourself up
Hurling insults is only one-half of the trash-talking equation. It’s also important to build yourself up with a string of superlatives and outrageous boasts. Try telling your opponents that you’re “the greatest show on Earth” or that you’re “the ninth wonder of the world.” Suggest that your shots are “as accurate as sniper fire” or take a page out of Muhammad Ali’s play book and declare yourself “the greatest of all-time.” The more over-the-top your claims, the more effective they’ll be in getting under the skin of your adversaries.
Rub it in
Now isn’t a time to feign modesty. If you’ve beaten your opponent, let him know about it in no uncertain terms. Gloat, celebrate and rub his face in your victory, regardless of how small or meaningless it may be. Tell your opponent he’s isn’t “fit to hold your jockstrap,” suggest he “look for his game in the lost and found” and inform him he’s “such a colossal loser he’d place second in a loser contest.” You’re the champion and short of creating a time machine, he can’t do a thing to take that away from you.
Walk the walk
It’s wonderful if you can talk the talk, but it’s also important that your own personal performance be above reproach. Whether you’re playing street ball or engaging in a friendly drinking game, it’s essential that your skills be second to none. Don’t let your mouth write checks that your body clearly can’t cash.
Don’t forget your gestures
Sometimes gestures can speak louder than words, especially when they’re universally recognizable. Augment your trash talk by forming an “L” on your forehead and directing it at your opponent or, if you’re feeling more adventurous, you can try tossing in a crotch grab, a chin flick, a cutthroat gesture or a derisive wanking motion. Your combination of physical gestures and endless banter will be a one-two punch your opponent won’t be able to ignore.
people are talking
When it comes to trash-talking it doesn’t matter who hurls the first insult so long as you get in the last word. You’ll know you’ve won your war of words when you’ve left your opponent utterly speechless.
